Navigating neurodiverse relationships

 Neurodiversity is a framework that describes the natural variations in how people's brains work, and how they experience, understand, and interact with the world.  

 One example of neurodiversity is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), which can impact behavior at work or school and can become particularly damaging when it comes to maintaining a meaningful relationship. Problems with managing time, regulating emotions, organizing, prioritizing, and getting started on tasks, and general self-control are the hallmark symptoms of ADHD. If you and/or your partner have ADHD, you are likely familiar with the frequent feelings of frustration and resentment that arise between partners.

Undiagnosed or untreated ADHD symptoms can be especially challenging in your relationship. Once you understand how the common symptoms of ADHD are influencing your interactions as a couple, you can learn better ways of responding. For the partner with ADHD, this means learning how to manage your symptoms. For the non-ADHD partner, this means learning how to react to frustrations in ways that will encourage and motivate your partner.

It can be challenging to be in a relationship with a partner who suffers from ADHD. If you and/or your partner experience these symptoms, you may benefit from couples therapy.

Your partner has problems paying attention

ADHD can be considered as an abundance of attention, making it challenging to regulate or focus that attention.  For someone with ADHD, it's challenging to avoid focusing on things or thoughts as they come to mind. This makes it difficult to stay focused on the task at hand without other distractions taking over. Signs of inattention in your partner may include missing details, being easily distracted, having trouble focusing, daydreaming, and becoming confused easily.

Your partner tends to forget things.

It is normal for people to forget things occasionally, but for individuals with ADHD, forgetfulness happens much more frequently. If your partner has ADHD, you might notice that they regularly forget important dates, to pay bills, or where they put things. This is due to impairments in their working memory and issues with inattention, making it easier for them to forget important and less important things.

Your partner has difficulty controlling their emotions.

It is common for individuals with ADHD to have difficulty managing their emotions, with over half of them experiencing challenges in regulating their feelings. Impulse control issues can cause people with ADHD to act on their emotions without considering the impact on others or themselves. This can lead to unpredictable behavior, a lack of consideration for others' perspectives, saying things they later regret, and displaying intense anger. These symptoms can significantly affect relationships.

Your partner struggles with time management.

Those with ADHD often struggle with time management and perception. Tasks may seem to take less time than they actually do, leading to procrastination, tardiness, and missed deadlines. Additionally, individuals with ADHD may tend to overcommit due to the perception that they can complete tasks more quickly than they actually can. These issues with time perception and overcommitment can make it challenging for them to fulfill their responsibilities on time.

Your partner struggles with impulsivity.

Impulsivity refers to acting without thinking first. It can be related to distraction, hyperactivity, and poor emotional regulation. Your partner's impulsivity may manifest as impatience when waiting their turn in line, blurting out answers before questions are finished, or interrupting others. Additionally, they may engage in risky behaviors without considering the consequences.

After learning how these symptoms affect you and influence your relationship, you and your partner can implement different strategies and tools to help develop a healthier relationship.  Here is a list of ways to help create a meaningful and satisfying relationship with a partner who has ADHD.  

Communicate– ADHD symptoms, such as difficulties with regulating emotions, can interrupt communication. To prevent emotions from overwhelming disagreements, take some time before discussing the issue after a triggering event. Use this time to reflect on your feelings and identify the underlying cause of your upset. If you feel resentful or frustrated because your partner with ADHD is struggling with starting tasks, staying organized, or managing time, express your feelings and suggest potential plans to assist them with these symptoms. Keep the focus on the specific behavior that you want to support them in improving.

Listen Actively– Good communication involves being fully present for the speaker and grasping their message. When discussing sensitive topics with your partner, make sure to listen attentively and ask questions to truly understand their perspective. Maintain eye contact, avoid interruptions, and concentrate on their words. If you struggle with focusing, dedicate time to practicing active listening with your partner.

Research and educate yourself on the symptoms so you don’t personalize– Good communication involves being fully present for the speaker and grasping their message. When discussing sensitive topics with your partner, make sure to listen attentively and ask questions to truly understand their perspective. Maintain eye contact, avoid interruptions, and concentrate on their words. If you struggle with focusing, dedicate time to practicing active listening with your partner.

Work together as a team– In any relationship, each partner brings different skills and talents to the couple. Take some time to identify which tasks you are good at and which are more challenging for you. For example, the partner without ADHD may be better at handling the bills, while the partner with ADHD may be more suited to buying the groceries and cooking. By dividing tasks and sticking to these responsibilities, each partner plays an integral part of a team.

Create a structured detailed plan– Having a structured, detailed plan is helpful to prevent misunderstandings, and the partner with ADHD may benefit from the added organization. Start by discussing the things you argue about the most. Then, work together to come up with a system to help. For example, if a partner needs help remembering to take out the trash, perhaps both partners can implement a recurring online calendar scheduling system with an alarm to help. Creating a structured, detailed plan will help prevent misunderstandings because both partners will have an agreed-upon and discussed plan and system to help them stay on top of things.

If ADHD remains untreated or under-treated, these patterns can leave both partners unhappy, lonely, and feeling overwhelmed by their relationship. As in any relationship, if you and/or your partner have ADHD don’t wait to get the support you need and make the necessary changes to improve your life.

If you and/or your partner suffer from ADHD and are having problems in your relationship we are here to help.  Contact us to learn how we can help guide you to a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

This highly interactive course provides evidence-based strategies for helping adults with ADHD build essential skills for time management, organization, planning, and coping. Consisting of 12 sessions (offered as in individual and/or group setting), these skills are reviewed in step-by-step detail. 

Contrary to popular belief, people with ADHD can become experts at time management – perhaps even more so than the average person because they will have made it a special focus/challenge and worked at it.

Contact us to learn how we can help guide you to more productive and emotionally satisfying behaviors.